“The Gabbers”, you know the motherfuckers who will talk and talk through a whole movie. When Im at a film and somebody rambles on about BS, I’ll usually tell them to shut the fuck up. There is a time and place to do shit and when Im at a movie, talking is not one of them.
“The Cell Phone Hacks” Hey, what’s more obnoxious then talking at a movie?? Ringing cellphones of course. Turn that shit off, your fucking with my movie going experience. Annoying rings are even worse. If you ever hear a cellphone with Zippity Doo Da while your at a movie?? Do me a favour, snatch the phone, throw it on the floor and stomp it into a million pieces.
“The Baby Sitter’s Club” Don’t get me wrong. Kids are awesome, I might even have my own someday. Anyway, a few years ago I was in a theater in Van Nuys. I went to go see 28 Days Later. In the middle of the movie this kid no older then one, bursts out crying. At this point Im thinking, “Who takes their one year old kids to this kind of movie??” Take your little ones to Spy Kids 3, not a fucking horror flick!!
“The Max Cadys” Remember that scene in Cape Fear where Bob Deniro is laughing his ass off in the theater?? Okay, I love comedy and I love to laugh. I love people laughing in movies, but keep that shit down to a roar. It’s taking away from my movie going experience.
“The Pseudo Siskels” As the old saying goes, “Everybody’s a critic”. Either before or after a movie, I always hear that person/persons try to critique a movie. When they do they mispronounce or mix up names. Example: “I didn’t like Morgan Freeman in Kiss The Girls, but he did a great job in An Officer And A Gentlemen.” Leave that to the film geeks, believe me they spend all their time and money on movies. Mispronounciation is blasphemy in the religion of cinema.
“Fan boys/girls” Every cult movie spawns fan people. Like the Trekkies or the The Star Wars fans. I actually like these people. It’s cool to support your favorite films. But if your dressed like a Hobbit and get your ass kicked during the movie?? Guess what?? Your fucking with my movie going experience.“Cinemaphiles or Cinema sluts” Do not ever mess with these people. They’re dangerous, obsessive and dont like to be bothered. How do I know?? Because I’m one of them. These people count down the days on the calender, read articles, and usually catch the first screening on opening day. When they do finally make it to that movie, it’s like a religious holiday. Forget Christmas, if they want to see that new Brian DePalma movie, they’ll put in for request to have that day off.
So, my cinema friends, go to the movies and have fun. Give that film your full attention. Commiting cinema sins will defeat the purpose of seeing that movie. Do all the other shit after you seen the movie a couple of times.